I have all these illusions that I am zen as fuck now. That the slowing down of my busy life has really taught me a lot. I have transcended to this higher plane of existence and my quiet mind really has it all figured out.
In reality I am removed from the stress of being around other people.
I don’t have to think about how my actions affect anyone else and with the Shelter in Place I have given myself the permission to be entirely selfish under the guise that it is “Self-care”.
Maybe this sounds harsh.
As a freelancer, I hardly get any breaks. I am constantly in the flow of networking and being around people to collaborate or build a community of mutual interests. With 12 step programs I am checking myself and being vulnerable with other addicts and alcoholics and being of service.
With the quarantine it is impossible to be in groups or meetup for work opportunities even if there were some. So I am at home taking a deep look into who I really am and I am starting to like what I see. It took me a few weeks to get to this point after a hard struggle and a deep depression.
It took drama in my 12 step group to get me to take a step back and stop trying to throw myself into full time savior work.
That’s my M.O. to throw my whole self into whatever is in front of me so I don’t have to spend time alone.
It worked for a while until it didn’t.
My roommate jokingly said one day
“It takes a pandemic to slow you down.”
I tried to fight it but in the end I had to embrace the slower pace. My mind started to quiet and meditate. I set boundaries with people with more ease, finally seeing that my time and energy was worth more than I had it priced at.
I find that I have an easier time detaching with love which in turn is me showing myself the same compassion that I would approach a sick friend with.
Of course. All of this is easier when I can’t see people in person.
I’m trying to gear myself up for when the world starts to turn again.
I’m making all sorts of promises to myself about making sure I take time every day to read and write, to refuse things that don’t bring me joy and to spend time with people who enrich my life not drain it.
I’ve never felt the compulsion to live my life traditionally but that doesn’t mean I haven’t tried. I’ve worked day and night jobs for other people. Jobs with set schedules and pay periods. I just haven’t been good at it. My mother gave this mentality to me. Without fail she pushes me to keep freelancing and to live my life by my rules, it’s almost as if she vicariously lives through me because I didn’t have kids at an early age and I didn’t have to put my dreams of art and color on hold to raise anyone else. Really. It’s a gift and a curse.
I am perpetually broke but, fuck, I am so happy.
Here is what I know to be my fundamental truths:
- Friendships and relationships need to be mutual or resentment will grow.
- Anger is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
- Vulnerability is key to communication and connection.
- I can’t give away 40 hours of every week to something that doesn’t fulfill me.
- Art school doesn’t make you an artist, it puts you in debt.
- I am responsible for my own experiences and I can choose to react or respond.
- The only way to win an argument is with compassion.
- I can’t put conditions on my love for anyone, but I can set boundaries.
- I do not control what other people do.
- No matter how much I like cheese I will never not be lactose intolerant.
Number 10 is the most important.
Last night I had a stomach ache so bad that I fell asleep on the floor in the hallway next to Joseph. We decided to eat some really cheesy pizza and the pains in my stomach radiated all the way to my lower back. No amount of veggies on top will erase the amount of cheese. Joe and I are both lactose intolerant and we forget this and spend more time than I would like to admit in pain.
Joe confided in me that he doesn’t remember me sending him to bed last night but he woke up this morning and spent 45 minutes farting. I couldn’t believe him until he described the events in great detail. I’m glad I didn’t have to be in that bed because I don’t like the idea of being stuck in intense winds with the possibility of tornadoes.
